


A Fantastic Curry

by Blackbird Song (Blackbird_Song)



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Challenge Response, Community: schmoop_bingo, M/M, Schmoop, Snark, Team, Trigger: Emetophobia, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-12
Updated: 2010-08-12
Packaged: 2017-10-11 01:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/106981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackbird_Song/pseuds/Blackbird%20Song
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen discovers a hitherto undisclosed job requirement at Torchwood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fantastic Curry

**Author's Note:**

> Written as part of the [](http://community.livejournal.com/schmoop_bingo/profile)[**schmoop_bingo**](http://community.livejournal.com/schmoop_bingo/) challenge, specifically to fill the "baby-feeding" square on my bingo card. This is about as schmoopy as I can make something involving Torchwood and baby-feeding. Oh, and I've probably taken liberties with a part or two of the anatomy of the Hub. You've been warned!
> 
> Many thanks to my husband for the beta.

  
"Sorry I'm late, everyone! Rift doing anything?"

"Not today," said Tosh from under her workstation.

"Tosh?" Gwen peered underneath to find her co-worker tying the nest of cables into neat bundles.  
"Busy."

"Nice of you to join us," said Owen, as he gave the alien sex toy on his desk a last fondle before tossing it in the drawer.

"Owen! Autopsy bay!"

"Just taking a breather," shouted Owen at Jack's office.

"Time and a place," it retorted in Jack's voice.

Owen shook his head and draped a cloth over his desk.

"What on earth is going on here?" Gwen looked from Owen's scowl to Jack's office to Tosh's feet – which she'd just noticed were clad in galoshes.

"Just coping with periodic aftermath of a bit of Rift activity from a year or so ago." Owen started down the stairs to the autopsy bay.

"What should I do?" shouted Gwen.

"Just make sure that everything you can't clean is put away or covered up!" said Owen.

"Wha—"

"AARNGH!"

Gwen whipped around towards Jack's office as a wet, smacky thump sounded from it. She couldn't see anything, thanks to the drawn blinds. And then she realised that she hadn't seen Ianto yet.

"UERGH! Bloody hell!" Another wet thump – or rather, a series of sliding thumps and a smack – followed Owen's bellowed curse, this time unfettered by closed doors. It sounded distinctly as though he had just thrown a body into a bin. A very wet, boneless body.

Gwen started to feel a bit sick. And then— "Ugh! What is that smell?"

Tosh shot out from under her desk, gas mask on her face, and covered her workstation with the tarp she'd pulled with her.

"You don't want to know," said Jack from a foot behind Gwen's right shoulder as he handed her a mask.

The smell grew worse, but Gwen hesitated, looking around the Hub. "Jack, what the hell is going on? Where's Ianto? What is that horrible—" She gagged.

Jack sighed and took the mask from her hand, shoving it on her head and adjusting the fit as though he'd done it a thousand times before. Which, Gwen thought, he probably had.

Gwen looked over at the coffee machine, which was covered. "All right, where's Ianto? What happened to him? Because he never covers that up."

Jack looked up, all the way to the top of the Hub. "He's—"

"AH-HAHH!"

"—being fed." Jack kept his eyes up, looking more worried than Gwen wanted to see.

"Fed?"

"He drew the job," said Owen, shaking off his hands as though they'd just been in something awful.

"Again," said Tosh, pointedly.

Jack rounded on Owen. "Which is why you get to clean up, this time."

Owen's eyes went round. "What do you mean, I get to clean up? I thought we were making her do it for being late. Again!"

"Yeah, but she didn't rig the coffee mug for Ianto to get the worst job of the year for the second time in a row." Jack glared at Owen.

"There's CCTV footage to prove it," Tosh supplied.

"Et tu, Tosh?"

"What are you – what is – is that Ianto?" Gwen's jaw began to drop as a human-shaped figure started to climb down the long ladder from the pterodactyl's nest box. As the shape got bigger, the smell got worse, even through her gas mask.

Jack sighed and donned his own. "Yeah."

"He's all ... pink. And dripping. And ... Oh, my God! You mean, the pterodactyl—"

"Thinks we're her hatchlings," said Tosh.

"Ianto, especially," said Jack, with a smile that Gwen could only call wistful.

She looked at him with a glow warming inside her, despite the rising stench. "And you find that sweet?"

"Well, it is a bit, isn't it?" said Tosh. "I mean, she's really attached to him."

"After she tried to eat his girlfriend?"

Jack's face changed and all the warmth retreated from him and left Gwen shivering.

"He found her," said Tosh.

"She just likes him 'cause he feeds her more than the rest of us," said Owen.

Ianto reached the bottom of the stairs and Jack walked towards him.

"He doesn't have a Hazmat suit on," said Gwen. "Not even a gas mask."

"He doesn't have anything on," said Tosh.

"Unless you count the pterodactyl sick."

"You ready for this?"

Gwen turned at the sound of Jack's voice and saw him standing in front of Ianto with a bucket in his hands and two more beside him.

The figure that Gwen had to take on faith was Ianto nodded vigorously and braced itself.

"I'm sorry," said Jack, before dumping the water over the figure's – Ianto's – head.

"Aurghh!" Ianto spat and gagged, something Gwen hadn't yet seen him do.

"Round two, comin' up," said Jack, ruefully.

Ianto braced himself again.

Jack poured the second bucket over him, and then the third.

"Well, there are worse things to see in the morning," said Tosh, with an appreciative smile.

"Speak for yourself," said Owen.

"I'm just glad it wasn't me," said Gwen, although she didn't say that she'd be quite happy to go through that to get the sort of attention Jack was currently giving to Ianto.

"Just wait six months and you can have a go."

"Or take Ianto's place tonight," offered Tosh.

"So ... wait, if she only feeds one of us, then why are we covering everything up?"

"Oh, she'd feed us all three or four times a day if someone didn't go up and cuddle with her for a few hours," said Owen.

"Yeah, like that sheep's head she dumped on my desk," said Jack, materialising about a yard from Gwen.

"Have you lot ever considered putting a bell on him?" she asked.

"Constantly," said Tosh.

"What did she give all of you?" asked Jack.

"I got the stomach and intestines," said Owen.

"Nothing, yet," said Gwen, searching the Hub's 'sky' nervously.

"I nearly got eaten," said Ianto, shivering under the blanket he'd snatched from Jack.

"What?" Jack turned to him.

"After she tried feeding me the old-fashioned way—"

"Cramming her beak down your gullet," supplied Owen.

"She got fed up and just stood up and sort of swallowed my head. I think she took my struggling as a cue to regurgitate."

Gwen tried not to gag again. "How often does this happen, and for how long?"

"Why?" said Jack. "Planning on leaving us?"

"I'm thinking about it, yes."

"It happens about once—"

"Twice," said Owen, Tosh and Ianto.

"—a year," finished Jack.

"For about a week," said Ianto.

"And this is day one," said Owen.

"Jack," said Gwen, "remember how you want me to live my life as well as work here? Well Rhys wants to—"

"Not a chance," said Jack.

"None of us gets time off during baby-feeding week," said Owen.

"Perfect," muttered Gwen. "So, Ianto, why did you go up there naked?"

"Ease of cleaning. It's either that or a Hazmat suit, and she doesn't react well to those."

"She nearly tore his arm out of its socket when he tried that last time," said Jack, rubbing Ianto's back briskly as a wave of shivers hit.

"So that's why we aren't all wearing Hazmat suits?"

"That, and we still have to interact with the public without causing a panic," said Ianto.

"There is that," said Gwen. "What did she give you, Tosh?"

Tosh smiled. "A fish. Quite a nice one, actually. I'm having it for supper later." She lowered her voice. "She doesn't like it when we cook her gifts."

"What about the ... slime?"

"Oh, there's never any slime for Tosh," said Owen.

"She gave me a very fresh one."

"It was flopping about when she dropped it on your lap," said Owen.

"Er, Gwen...."

Gwen turned to Ianto and opened her mouth.

"Close your mouth!" said Jack, as he leapt out of the way, eyes fixed upwards.

"Oh, no...." Gwen looked up just in time to see the pterodactyl overhead, throat working to disgorge something. "Oh, God...."

"Close your mouth, Gwen," said Owen.

She did, just as the pterodactyl swooped down and issued a hacking cry and a baby goat.

Gwen caught the goat instinctively, even though it was covered in slime.

"What did you catch it for?" said Owen. "It's not like it's—"

"Oh, my god!" said Tosh.

"—alive," said Owen, as the goat bleated.

"Oh, god, we have to clean it off!" Gwen rushed it to the autopsy bay. "We don't retcon goats, do we, Jack?"

"Not on this planet, although there was this one time when—"

"I do NOT want to know what you've done with goats!" Owen followed Gwen into the autopsy room. "Luke-warm water and no soap, and just let me have a look at the eyes...."

"Thanks, Owen."

"No problem. What are you going to make with it?"

Gwen turned a horrified look on him.

Owen rolled his eyes. "I was joking. Although they make a fantastic curry."

Gwen shook her head. "I have a cousin who has a farm. She'll take, er...." She started to look underneath the kid.

"Her," said Owen.

"Oh, good! She loves goat's cheese."

"Yeah, well, you'd best get this one to her as soon as you can, if you want it to live." Owen turned off the tap and handed Gwen a towel.

The kid bleated, shivering and barely able to shake itself.

"Oh, poor thing! She's terrified!"

"And you'd be all calm and collected after you got swallowed by a giant bird."

Gwen glared at Owen as she dried the shivering kid. "D'you suppose Jack would let me use the SUV?"

"Unless this one came through the Rift, not a chance. Use your own car!"

The kid bleated piteously.

"She's hungry. Haven't we got anything for her?"

Owen looked at them both and sighed, moving towards a morgue drawer. "Never could resist a nice pair of horizontal irises." He opened the drawer, which was loaded with oddly shaped and coloured containers, and plucked out a large vial of bluish-white liquid. "Universal milk replacement," he said, tossing it to Gwen.

Gwen turned the vial over in her hand, trying to puzzle it out. "There's no opening...."

"Just put the thin end in its mouth and hold it there until it starts suckling."

Gwen looked at him.

"Trust me."

"I hate it when you say that!" Gwen sighed and put the narrow end near the kid's mouth.

The kid bleated in protest, but then her eyes changed and she reached for the vial, sucking hard on the end.

The vial warmed and enlarged slightly in Gwen's hand, the liquid inside changed colour, and the little goat sucked, pulled and swallowed until she had her fill.

"Oh, you are going to have a fun car ride," said Owen, looking pointedly at the kid's belly.

Gwen's eyes widened as she followed Owen's gaze. "Does she have worms?"

"I don't think so, but let's check the bio-scanner, shall we?" Owen whisked the kid up and put her on the scanner. "Nope, perfectly healthy. Just lots and lots of milk. Now hand me back the empty vial, yeah?"

Gwen did, just as it started to contract.

Owen rushed it back to the drawer and seated it, calling attention to the sheath that sucked it back in. "Just in time, by the looks of things. Gets a bit stroppy if we don't put it back quickly enough."

"Okay, you're going to have to explain this to me, but not 'til I've taken this little one to Abergavenny."

"Oh, very posh! You didn't tell me your cousin made goat's cheese for the tourists. Oh, and you might want to drive like you know what you're doing and take a few towels with you!"

Gwen felt her shoulders slump. "Rhys is going to fucking kill me!"

"Sooner you than me."

"Thanks for that, Owen." She picked up the kid and left to the sound of Owen sniggering.

She passed a slightly moist, suited Ianto on her way to the bathroom. "Better, now?"

"Much, thanks. Oh, and there's a spare tarp you can use whenever you take the goat. It's on your desk."

"Oh, you are a star!"

Ianto smiled and continued towards the coffee machine, casting a quick eye upwards.

*****

When Gwen returned three hours later, she found Jack and Ianto cuddled together on the sofa. This was odd, especially at two o'clock in the afternoon on a day when nothing too traumatic had happened. However, the fact that the sofa was now shoved up against the pool at the base of the water tower was very peculiar. And then there was Owen videoing the whole thing, which was even less likely, but for the fact that the pterodactyl was all but sitting on Jack and Ianto, perched on the newly-angled and braced sofa with a wing spread possessively over both of them.

"What on—"

"Shhh!" said Tosh. "Isn't it sweet?"

Gwen didn't have to look to know that Tosh was grinning from ear to ear, though she rather suspected it had less to do with a broody pterodactyl than with the spectacle of Jack and Ianto cuddling. She bit her tongue against telling the lot of them to get a room. "Is it voluntary?" she whispered to Tosh.

"Mostly. Sort of. It keeps Myfanwy from going out and hunting for more presents. Especially when she starts rearranging the furniture."

"Myfanwy?"

"Jack's idea. He's always thought she was beautiful."

Gwen took a moment to watch as a bald, green, flying dinosaur nudged Jack closer to Ianto. She watched as Jack sighed and allowed it. She watched as Myfanwy – such an odd name for something that was bald and greenish – clucked disapprovingly at Jack, making him turn to Ianto with a smile that softened from flusterment to a genuine welcome as Ianto smiled back. She watched as Jack murmured something to Ianto before they kissed ostentatiously enough to make Owen curse and leave.

And then she stayed and watched as their expressions changed and Ianto leaned against Jack and shook his head. She didn't hear what Jack said, but she watched him kiss Ianto's forehead and felt the jealousy she'd assiduously suppressed for months. She knew they'd both rather be somewhere private, and most likely naked, yet she watched them surrender to the situation as Myfanwy tucked them in close to her body and all but hid them under her wing.

She watched all of it, and thought again just how weirdly beautiful her job could be, and how terrified or jealous some of her old school mates would be if they knew she had a pterodactyl for a company pet.

She started towards her desk when Tosh stopped her and handed her an envelope. "Tosh?"

"Go get yourself some cheap clothes, preferably polyester, and have a drink with Rhys. You're on cuddle duty tonight." Tosh jerked her head at Jack, who was carefully snogging Ianto into oblivion. "Boss's orders."

"Because I was late this morning?"

"That, and because it took you three hours to get to Abergavenny and back when the traffic reports said it should have taken an hour and fifteen minutes. Besides, Jack was really hoping for a good curry."

"I hate baby-feeding week," muttered Gwen.

"Welcome to Torchwood," said Tosh.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
